I, like most good little fags that I know, spend half (the other half is dedicated to my previously discussed Facebook addiction) of my Internet time getting up to date with all the goings on of the questionably famous. Back in the day, you had to wait for People to publish or Entertainment Tonight to come on. Today, you can get an immediate update on tmz.com, perezhilton.com, popeater.com or the like. I don’t know what it says about my pathetic life that I have all of these sites bookmarked and I check them on a daily basis.

Mario Fernandez

I, like most good little fags that I know, spend half (the other half is dedicated to my previously discussed Facebook addiction) of my Internet time getting up to date with all the goings on of the questionably famous. Back in the day, you had to wait for People to publish or Entertainment Tonight to come on. Today, you can get an immediate update on tmz.com, perezhilton.com, popeater.com or the like. I don’t know what it says about my pathetic life that I have all of these sites bookmarked and I check them on a daily basis. If I had to think deeply about why I feel the need to visit these sites (and trust me, I make every attempt to not think deeply), I would say that it’s a natural escape from the bad economic news that seem to overpower our every waking moment. If I can fixate on the foolishness and mayhem of these truly shallow and superficial people , I can forget about the harsh reality for ten minutes each day. So my day is not complete if I don’t check to see who’s been arrested/denied entry into the US (Amy Winehouse), who’s a lesbian for the day (Lindsay Lohan, although she seems to be sticking with it), and which lesbian (Anne Heche) is splitting from her husband.

So here’s a random listing of a recent day’s top stories. Forget about how you’re going to pay your mortgage or the minimum credit card payment next month for a few minutes…

“Designer Kenley Collins of Project Runway fame was arrested and charged March 17 for allegedly attacking her ex-fiance with several household items, including a laptop computer, apples, water and … a cat. After getting released on bail, she said the whole thing “was a miscommunication” and simply “a break up that went badly.” Yeah, it went badly all right, especially for the cat. Who throws a cat at someone else? I can’t say that I’m surprised by Kenley given her behavior on Project Runway. I know that I often felt like throwing things at the screen when I had to listen to her self-indulgent whine and her questionable fashion sense.

From tmz.com…”According to Ajc.com, Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives ofAtlanta was supposed to lend her “star power” to an event sponsored by Shoes for Shattered Hearts—a charity that was actually co-founded by Zolciak herself. It’s one thing to start a charity. It’s another to actually show up, especially since this was the fledging organization’s first event. Instead of helping others, the Real Selfish Housewife opted for some “mental R and R.” Apparently, the kind of R and R that you can only get in the Caribbean … getting drunk on a beach.” Shocking behavior from someone who thought she could actually sing and who worked a hairpiece even less convincingly than Chuck Norris.

“Coolio went from plane-bound to handcuffs when airport screeners reportedly found the rapper in possession of crack cocaine, TMZ reported. Sources also told TMZ that Coolio proceeded to get physical with a screener.” I’m shocked, shocked I say. And all of this time, I thought that his vacant, heavy-lidded stare was just because he was tired.

“According to a report on TMZ, Scott Siegel, the actor who sold Mickey Rourke steroids in The Wrestler, has been arrested… for selling steroids.” I have heard of method acting, but this is ridiculous!

“Former Culture Club crooner Boy George was sentenced to 15 months in prison in London on Jan. 16, a month after being convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort at his apartment.” Not to make too much light of this situation, but imprisoning someone in his home is probably the only way Boy George can get someone to spend the night with him nowadays. Of course, now he’ll have a jailful of guys spending the night with him…hmmm, sounds vaguely like a Jeff Stryker video.

Is Lean Rimes’ husband, Dancer Dean, Gay? Is that why she allegedly cheated with Eddie Cibrian? Not that I would need a reason to cheat with Cibrian. OMG, major league woof!

“Actress (their word, not mine!) Lisa Rinna campaigns to be cast in the new Melrose Place. Lisa, darling…no one likes desperate D-listers. I’ve got two words, no, make it three words for you…Sean Young, Catwoman. Look it up.

“Howard K. Stern, the late Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer-turned-boyfriend, and others have been charged with 11 felony counts—including conspiracy, unlawfully prescribing a controlled substance and prescribing, administering or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict. “ But he’s a lawyer; he would never do something so unethical and illegal as getting personally involved with his client and supplying her with drugs, would he?

“David Hasselhoff’s ex-wife, Pamela Bach, was issued a felony DUI after causing a chain rear end collision in San Fernando Valley. Cops hauled her to the station where she was booked for the felony because people in the crash were injured mostly with minor injuries, TMZ reports. Hasselhoff paid her $100,000 bail.” The family that drinks together apparently stays together. David, do you know the definition of the word “enabler?”

“Devo performs at the Austin Music Hall as part of SXSW 2009 in Austin, Texas.” And all this time, I thought I had misplaced my jello molds….

E-mail Mario at mfernandez@baltimoregaylife.com.

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