Prudence Worthington

Hello My Doves,

Isn’t this depression ghastly! Opening the newspaper has turned into a study in despair as the country’s economy continues to teeter on the abyss of disaster. Alcohol consumption seems to have increased in the Worthington household to a point that I suggested Traxie install a still in the basement if she cannot control her thirst. Rosita proposed bath tub gin might be more appropriate for a depression; her last lucid moment of the day, I can assure you. She is, after all, the other culprit in the ongoing “empty vodka bottle mystery”, or as you and I like to call it, Tuesday morning. I sometimes feel as if I am running my own petite rehab clinic with an unfortunate success rate! Thank God Silvio isn’t fond of the juice or we would never get any.

In a most unusual turn of events, Traxie decided to take me seriously, in a manner. She began trawling the interweb for cost effective methods to keep the Worthington liquor cabinets amply stocked. You may remember this is her method of contributing to the household. Following hours of research, she has arrived at a solution. It appears that numerous alcoholic experiments have taken place in attempts to spin straw from gold. Inebriates world-wide are pouring bottom of the barrel vodka through Britta water filtration systems in an attempt to improve the taste. Traxie swears these cocktail pioneers of are finding success and, consequently, our catering kitchen now resembles a Britta showroom. I’ll keep you posted on her results, but until then, I plan on keeping my Grey Goose under lock and key.

Yes, my Dears, times have become quite desperate and it seems no one is immune. Why just this week, my dear friend and fellow authoress, Liz Smith, was “laid off” from the New York Post. Can you imagine? America’s premier society gossip columnist is unemployed. Fortunately, Liz has other literary projects and has expanded to the interweb. Not bad for an octogenarian; I think I will ring her for lunch. Similarly distressing is the news that celebrity photographer Annie Liebovitz has sold the rights to her work to pull herself from the depths of serious debt. I gather that her fiscal woes were compounded by the debts and properties of her lover Susan Sontag who passed away. One wonders if the situation might have had a happier ending should Festives be granted the right to marry. Still not a bad idea to improve the nation’s economy, but for now, Manhattan is beginning to resemble a breadline; brother can you spare a dime?

I hope you, my dear readers, are not suffering too much in these dark days. I have great hopes for President Obama’s plans and his weekly emails to me are quite encouraging. Imagine him corresponding with me every week in spite of his busy schedule. He is such a lamb, but I think it is time for Americans to band together and become a part of the solution. As I have watched some of my stock portfolios dwindle, I have taken pen to paper to express my discontent to the companies of which I am part owner. I believe it is the responsibility of large corporations to find some responsible forms of management to at least maintain the value of their stock. I would much prefer to keep my investments stable for a few years as opposed to actually losing money.

It occurs to me that dumping tens of thousands of unemployed people into this economy is compounding the problem. What a pathetic temporary fix when salaries could be shaved and operating expenses reduced. I would wager that the average American would rather take a pay cut to avoid unemployment. I now hold the belief that laying off hard-working men and women is simply un-American. Spread the word, dears.

There may be some hope on the horizon, and the winds of change are blowing in California. It has finally occurred to some politicians that their nearly 15 billion dollars in marijuana sales could provide ample funds if it were taxed like cigarettes or alcohol. A brilliant idea which could also shave expenses from drug enforcement coffers. Imagine all the folks in prison for a few joints removed from the state’s budget. Additionally, the country would have one more therapeutic drug to ease our pain in these desperate times. This genius idea has one major stumbling block: Marijuana is illegal under national law, and the state would have to fight the battle in Washington, D.C. Mr. Obama is currently on record as not supporting legalization, so this may be a tiring battle for California. Perhaps they could solicit the help of those Mormons who were so effective in banning gay marriage. That might redeem their “destined for hell” souls, n’est pas?

In any event, Darlings, I fervently encourage you to start voicing your opinions to your political representatives. I believe the people of this great country will provide the medication to heal our ailing economy. You can make a difference, so do get involved. And when it feels that the state of affairs can’t get any worse? Go out and purchase that Britta water filter and some cheap booze. You are, after all, contributing to our ailing economy.

Warmest Regards,
Prudence

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