Mario Fernandez

I’ll be the first one to tell you that I suck at texting. My nieces and nephews can text at the speed of light and I fumble at it like Stevie Wonder on a non-Braille keyboard. It’s a good thing that there isn’t a time limit on composing a text message. If there were, my cell phone bill would be astronomical.

That being said, I’m not a huge texting fan. It just takes too long and ya’ll know that I don’t want to do anything that takes too long, even if it feels good. However, there are few instances in which texting can be useful. The first one is where you really don’t want to talk to the other person, but just need to relay certain information in a quick and non-human contact kind of way (kind of like back seat action in someone’s VW Rabbit after the Eagle has announced last call…hope that was the gear shift because if it ain’t, I’m really going to be impressed…and sore!)

The other is a quick update on the previous night, ahem, festivities. And like everything else you could possibly think of, there’s a website about texts from last night. So you know what I’m talking about. It’s those text conversations that describe the escapades that seemed like a good idea at the time. I’ve taken some liberties and here are some samples of both:

The confessional texts that require no response:

The buzzer on my oven woke me up this morning. I cooked fish sticks for 4 hours last night. My house smells like a Ladies Tea Dance at The Hippo…

I hate the lighting at Grand Central. I wouldn’t even hook up with me in that light.

What are you doing tonight?
Watching “What Not To Wear” and wishing for a life.

So I screamed, “Get your stimulus package right here!” Those old trolls at The Eagle love free stuff.

Summer is not the time to consider going ‘70s porn full bush.

I only have enough money to either eat or drink this week. See you at the 2 for 1 at Leon’s.

The sex was so short and lousy that I changed his voicemail greeting to “You have reached Chlamydia Central.”

Anything can be an adult toy. Like the realtors always say, “Location, location, location.”

I was going through my Facebook photos last night and realized more than half were with or of my dog. And I wonder why I don’t have a date on Saturday night…

So my roommate’s boyfriend came over…we had that awkward, “yeah, we f****d and will f**k later, but let’s just pretend it didn’t happen in front of my roommate” hug…

Forecast for tonight, alcohol, no standards, poor decisions…

Bad night, dude…ended up watching porn and eating Oreos… at the same time : (

I either got mauled last night by a Grizzly Bear or an angry lipstick lesbian…could have been both.

My roommate walked in on me vacuuming…I wasn’t vacuuming.

I just tipped the hot bartender in OxyContin.

I would punch Michelle Obama for Taco Bell right about now.

About to do something stupid. Remember to bring bail money…

I don’t what kind of porn he watches, but that is SO NOT how you do it…

The texts dealing with the previous night’s overindulgences or escapades:

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me. Why is my reflection someone I don’t know…
Wasted much?
I’m Mulannnn!

He muttered something about having just washed the sheets, then yelled at me to leave all of my quarters on the dresser.

Do you remember pissing on my porch last night and then going into my bathroom to wash your hands?

So he came in my hair last night.
You’re So Cameron Diaz!

I have carpet burn on my knees, elbows, and ass. I wish I had brought my rollerblading pads…

Last night in 10 words or less: Leons, 2 for 1, hot daddy with two friends, sore…in that order.

He was wearing Sponge Bob boxers. Guess how long it took him to hit my front door…

Did he really wash his thing in the kitchen sink?
It was more of a rinse…

I asked if he wanted to go to my place. He said I could go, but he was going to stay.

How do you clear previous searches on an IPhone? I asked my brother to google something for me and “penis enlargement”, “Domino’s Pizza”, and “felching” came up…

And you say that he was only 16?
You say that like it’s a bad thing.

What the hell am I going to do with 5 gallons of vinegar?

I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my sofa. WTF?

I’m scared.
There’s nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That’s what I’m afraid of.

The guy hitting on me last night had, like, 3 teeth. WHERE WERE YOU?

Sorry I can’t make it tonight. All tied up ; (
That sucks…wait, like really tied up?

He should be nicer to his ass. It’s not a playground.
Apparently it’s a theme park…

I just woke up in the back of her truck. Bring me a Diet Coke.

Woke up with cherry-flavored chap stick on my butt. Don’t ask how I know that it’s cherry-flavored…

Happy texting!

E-mail Mario at mfernandez@baltimoregaylife.com.

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