Hey family!

Since I know it is beyond outrageously freezing cold back there in Baltimore, especially during these brutal winter months, I thought I’d send you all some hot and steamy love from sunny Key West, Florida.

Now, I know what you are thinking, “How the hell can you afford a vacation in Key West on a poor shop girl’s salary?” Well, hon, the deals here are spectacular (though having a well-groomed sugar daddy don’t hurt neither)!

Although the small American Airlines plane that carried us from that art deco extravaganza also know as Miami, was a bit rickety and how do you say…terrifying(?), the views out the window of the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico below were well worth wetting my pants. And well worth our lovely suite at the Cypress Inn, one of many gay-friendly, all-inclusive bed and breakfast guest houses that adorn this lovely isle. There’s the gay-exclusive Alexander’s Guesthouse and Big Ruby’s Guesthouse too. And, for the women, Pearl’s Rainbow is the spot to stay.

And while I am completely contented with sunning myself at Zachary Taylor beach all the day long, Daddy gets a bit anxious when he feels he has nothing to do, so we took a trip down Duval Street on our motorbike borrowed from the too-cute Moped Hospital to visit the shops and local folks who are splendid indeed.

After a few, well…a ton really, purchases from Fast Buck Freddies, Fairvilla Megastore and Key Lime-n-more, we scooted on over to catch the nation’s only Gay & Lesbian Historic Trolley Tour. This thing had us going all around town, and Miss Thing, the conductor, was a gracious host, touting Key West’s gay history and tourists spots, including Tennessee Williams’ house, Ernest Hemmingway’s house and all of the official (and un-official) hot spots, just like Miss Shirley-Do-Tell-It does at one of her Grand Balls. At dusk, we ended up at Mallory Square to partake in the Sunset Celebration. I swear I saw the green flash, I swear!

Soon after, a poor girl was famished, so we stopped at Mangoes and had ourselves a big ol’ feast, complete with Conch Salad, Key West’s signature dish. But this is not the only place to get a good piece of salty meat around here! You could also try Azur or Square One where the wait staff…oops! I mean the entrees, are just as delicious.

Family, I tell you! Daddy thought it’d be super fun to do a shot at every god-forsaken bar we passed on the way back to our suite, and by the time we hit La Te Da I was topless. At Aqua, I was bottomless. At Bourbon Street, I was hairless! The next day, I was so tore up, Daddy had to practically carry me to the Key West Butterfly and Nature Conservatory to watch the little beauties flitter about.

Their flying made me feel better, though, so we set sail on Venus Charters (I didn’t let Daddy know that Venus specializes in lesbian-only charters) to enjoy our afternoon with Captain Karen. She was all Jaques Costeau driving that boat around in the middle of the ocean, when all of a sudden she stopped and told us to jump in. We were made to snorkel! And that was all fine and well until some big-finned, hungry-looking thing came to swimming underneath us. I booked it so fast out of that water, hon, you’d have thought I was on Baywatch saving David Hasselhoff’s life.

On our kayak trip to a mangrove island, we didn’t fare much better. I swear, a sting ray jumped up and tried to get in between Daddy and me on our little boat. It came at my face but I batted that thing back into the ocean. Nothing comes between me and my daddy! We had a good time, though, despite the scary ocean creatures. I hear Fury Water Adventures and the sunset sail aboard the Schooner Liberty are pretty fun too.

Well, family, I’ve got to go. Daddy awaits. Tonight we are attending the 26th annual Headdress Ball, one of the main events of the island’s week-long Fantasy Fest leading up to Saturday’s parade. This year’s theme was Pirates, Pundits and Political Party Animals. I got Daddy a sexy eye patch to wear. I’m dressing as an ass!

Kisses all over your face,

P.S. No matter how tight your pockets are, start saving now for Fantasy Fest 2009: Villains, Vixens and Vampires. The fun and debauchery starts on October 23 and lasts all the way until November 1.


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