Mario Fernandez

There are dog people and there are cat people. This is a column about dogs. I don’t have anything against cats, so cat lovers out there please don’t inundate me with hate mail. I actually quite like cats and have had a few over the years. But this is not about cats; it’s about dogs. So, cat lovers, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

As any dog owner (or perhaps the better term would be human owned by dog) knows, there is huge block of every day spent walking (or getting walked by your dog). Since this usually happens after you’ve been separated for a few hours (like returning from work or running errands), it’s catch-up time, the together time spent talking about the events of the day, what’s on your mind, what you’re feeling, etc…

So a typical walk/conversation with Hubbell might go something like this:

Hubbell: Well, it’s about time, Mister Man. I’m starving!

Me: Sorry, baby, had to stop at the pharmacy.

Hubbell: Hasn’t that rash cleared up yet?

Me: You funny bitch!

Hubbell: Well, not originally, but you made me one when you had me neutered. My balls are on your head!

Me: Are you playing the nut card again? You’re good with the guilt. Have you been talking with my mother again?

Hubbell: Never mind all that. FEED ME! And how about some sweet peas tonight?

Me: Good boy! You were hungry, weren’t you? Ready to go potty?

Hubbell: Yeah, and you better hurry unless you want me to lay a nice tootsie roll right here and now.

Me: What is with you and deer droppings? That’s disgusting! And you just finished eating too!

Hubbell: If God hadn’t meant for me to eat them, he wouldn’t have made them look like Raisinets. Besides, think of it like recycling. I don’t know why it grosses you out. You humans eat plenty of disgusting stuff. Like Brussels Sprouts and Lima Beans.

Me: I thought you liked Lima Beans.

Hubbell: Even Lima Beans look good when I get dry dog food twice a day, every day.
Guy’s got to eat something different some times and I’m not picky.

Me: Tell me about it, Mr. Lick your butt and balls!

Hubbell: You know, green is not a good color for you. You’re just jealous.

Me: Damn right I am! If I could do that, I’d always have a date on Saturday night and wouldn’t have to work the boardwalk at The Eagle.

Hubbell: Whatever! Like you wouldn’t work the boardwalk anyway. Remember, I’ve seen some of the tricks you’ve brought home.

Me: Don’t be so judgmental. At least I don’t sniff butts when I meet somebody new.

Hubbell: Oh, no you didn’t! Talk about being judgmental. I’ve got one word for you: Rimming. So don’t go there, Mister Man! You’d need a designated driver to take that high road.

Me: OK, you got me on that one. Go say hi to Lilly and Trixie in your special way then. Not a peep out of me!

Hubbell: So I got all of the neighborhood scoop. Guess who’s cheating on who? Humans are strange creatures. I thought the reruns of Desperate Housewives were bad enough, but Wisteria Lane has nothing on Mays Chapel, let me tell you. You humans are one nasty bunch.

Me: I knew it! You’ve been watching TV all day while I’m at work. I thought it was funny that when I turned on the TV the other night, it was on the Animal Planet.

Hubbell: What did you expect? They had a Groomer Has It Marathon.

Me: Pity you wouldn’t watch the It’s Me or the Dog marathon. At least you might have picked up a few tricks.

Hubbell: I think I have learned all I ever need to know about picking up tricks from watching you, Mister Man.

Me: My, we are bitchy tonight. You know, you better be nice to me or I’ll…

Hubbell: You’ll what? Dutch Oven me when I’m under the sheets again? That was harsh, man, especially when you had two helpings of chili for dinner.

Me: OK, I’m a little sorry about that.

Hubbell: Yeah, your sincerity is underwhelming. You’re lucky that I’m only two and don’t have gastric distress issues yet. Just wait until I’m old and flatulent. I’m going to smoke you out of the bedroom and claim the bed for my very own.

Me: Like you don’t already hog the bed. For 15 pounds of dog, you sure do take up a lot of real estate. Right smack in the middle every night. I have a sore neck and a sore back from sleeping around you.

Hubbell: Yeah, but you love me anyway.

Me: Yes, I do…oh, caught the scent of the deer didn’t you.

Hubbell: Let me off the leash just once! I promise to let have you some of it after I bring down the buck.

Me: That thing outweighs you 15 fold. What do you think you’re going to do other than nip at its heels?

Hubbell: Watch me!

Me: Yeah, tough guy. Ready for bed?

Hubbell: Yeah, let’s go. I’m ready. By the way, do I need to be worried about what you had for dinner?

E-mail Mario at mfernandez@baltimoregaylife.com.

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