Mario Fernandez

I know all of you queens are on Facebook (or as my friend Bill refers to it, itOnMyFacebook). Even members of the Maryland State Legislature were on it until access was recently removed due to (wink, wink) concerns about viruses and malware. So if uptight, pointy-headed, pompous windbags (like politicians in general) are hooked on Facebook, you know the queers are trumpeting the fact that Facebook is getting perilously close to “jumping the shark.” For those of you who are too young to understand the “jump the shark” reference, bite me! No, really, for those who don’t understand the reference, it refers to that point in a TV show’s history where the plot veers off into lame story lines or out-of-the-ordinary characterizations, particularly for a show with falling ratings. In the process of undergoing these changes, the TV series loses its original appeal. Shows that have “jumped the shark” are typically deemed to have passed their peak. Specifically, “Jump the Shark” refers to a really lame episode of “Happy Days” where Fonzie, in his leather jacket naturellement, jumped a shark on water skis (Fonzie on skis, not the shark).

Because queers are harbingers of all that is trendy, modern, and hot, I think it’s only fair that we announce here and now that SitOnMyFacebook is perilously close to jumping the shark. Yes, SitOnMyFacebook was fun, trivial, shallow (all traits that queers embrace) in its heyday. Great games, easy way to communicate and keep up to date, easy-to-use, etc. But the death knell into bellbottoms and feathered hair trash file of fads gone by is the 25 Random Things About Me rage.

You know what I’m talking about; I admit I did it and you know I read all of your Random 25 as well. I’ve read quite a few and some are very funny: dressing up and putting makeup on younger brothers and then being disappointed when they didn’t turn out to be gay when they grew up; being forgotten at a funeral home when a child; being able to hold your pee from the “redwood forest to the gulf stream waters”; being deathly afraid of Willem Dafoe and obsessed with Adrian Brody (OK, these I actually agree with); admitting to having a souvenir rock that goes everywhere you do and is your car travel companion.

Some are boring and pedestrian: you can touch your nose with your tongue (big deal, so can I and it certainly has not increased my chances of getting a date on Saturday night as much as you would think); you sing in your car or shower (who doesn’t! Name me a fag who didn’t pretend their hairbrush was a microphone and belt out their favorite diva’s songs. Actually, I still do this minus the hairbrush as I obviously have no need for one). Detailing every broken bone and injury is pretty common on these lists. Ho-hum. Now if you broke your wrist while servicing the high school football team…now that would be interesting (and what are you doing Saturday night?).

Admitting to playing the violin or the banjo or some other lame instrument also comes up a lot. Blah, blah, blah…we all have secret addictions to less than cool musical instruments. I played clarinet in the high school band and played way too much Magnus chord organ growing up. I could never master the piano, but I could rock that Magnus chord organ! Ditto to proclaiming to one and all that you love your Mac and would never go PC is hardly an earth-shattering proclamation. There is reason that once you go Mac, you never go back.

So here’s a bit of advice for making your Random 25 more interesting and staving off the shark.
If you’re going to identify a major flaw, suggest how it may also be a major virtue. For example, if you don’t have a gag reflex…well, ’nuff said.

  1. Describe meeting a celebrity only if you ended up doing them, especially if they were spectacularly gifted or maybe not so much.
  2. Cite an actual random thing that comes to mind while writing the list, like will holding a flame to your butt when farting actually generate a flame?
  3. Include something about drugs. Or something stupid that you did when you were on them.
  4. Make one up.
  5. Write “five of these are completely made up.”
  6. If you’re a lesbian and have kids and/or pet pit bulls, cite unusual names that you wanted to call them and how your infinitely more rational, if less creative, spouse rescued them from a lifetime of teasing and taunts.
  7. Don’t write about how cute your child and/or pet is. No one cares because…
  8. Their child and/or pet is, by far, more interesting or precocious.
  9. If you insist on writing about your pet, you may only share one story to convey its superlative nature. If you don’t have a pet, talk about how much you hate animals and the people who love them. This may get you on the PETA hit list, but at least your Random 25 will be interesting.
  10. Name a skill that you are proud of by recounting the unexpected way you acquired it, especially if it involves the hot high school gym teacher.
  11. See you on SitOnMyFacebook!

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