Yes, I do believe that we have more control over what happens to us and in our lives than we could ever imagine…. What happens is contingent on how we think, our attitude and behavior during this upcoming year. Now, I do know that staying positive with our thinking on a daily basis can be a bit rough some days, but that is when it is most important to use mind over matter in full force…. Staying on top of our game of thinking positive as much as possible when we have those not so great days that are sure to come in life is key. What’s important is how we handle those days… staying mindful of just how much power we give them. We must remember not to give power to people and things… especially those that are so undeserving of such power over us…. Once we realize that we have given some undeserving jack ass, or a silly foolish issue in life too much power, we must immediately take it back…. And the moment that we do… we will have regained control over what is most important—Ourselves & our Destiny!!!
We must think about it with a clear mind… free of anger, resentments and all those other emotions that take us off our game. In most cases, we have little or no control over people, places, things and what they do… so it is truly and completely a waste of energy and time when we make any attempt to control. We must come to understand and accept what we are clearly powerless over.

In order to make 2009 a better year than 2008, we must remember 2008 and take lessons from our experiences. A wise woman once told me: “ A bad experience is not a bad experience…if you learn something.” I have found that to be true in many cases after the smoke clears….
I feel like love is in the air for 2009… love for many things in many ways… renewed love & new love… love for mankind with prayers of Peace on Earth. This is a year of appreciating people more than before… gaining a new understanding on this phase of our life…. re- prioritizing our mental list of what’s really important… literally stopping to smell the roses… savoring an orgasm shared in a love-making session…. closing our eyes when we kiss to truly enjoy the passion… getting up before the clock goes off, grateful to have another day here on earth amongst the living… enjoying food for the nourishment of our mind & bodies…. and discontinuing the abuse of food for the artificial temporary comfort it gives… taking pride in our appearances for ourselves first… reaping the joyous benefits in helping another human being in some way… saying “Hello” with a smile to complete strangers in attempts to share our own daily happiness… opening ourselves up to new possibilities never considered before… taking better care of ourselves because our appreciation for life and just how precious it is now so clear… always helping & respecting our elders…. knowing that if not for their Blood, Sweat & Tears, their struggles, sacrifices and love… our lives would not have all the possibilities that were hand made for us by them.

I could go on and on because you know I’m a sucker for the romance of life… lol… I want for others what I want for myself—Happiness!!!


Marva I have been reading your column since it debuted and I love it and you. I have a question that I am sure you will put a light on. My partner and I are newly-weds and my partner has been asking me to entertain the idea of us opening our bedroom up to other people. This is something that I have no interest in or need for. But she has gotten to the point where she is beginning to almost make me feel guilty for not at least wanting to try it. Please help me. I just know you will keep it real. What should I do, say or think? ;-(

K.C., Baltimore, MD.

Well, alrighty KC…. I’m kinda tripping a bit with this question, mostly because I do not like when others impose their personal values or beliefs on me and I have always been very conscious of not doing it to others…. Having said that, I cannot tell you what to do say or think. However, what I will share with you is what I would probably do… say… & think… if I were in your situation.

I will start at what I think would be the best beginning of your issue with a comment…. Let’s say the woman who is now your wife asked you about trying these sorts of things as your girlfriend prior to getting married to her…. and she did let you know that this was something that she wanted to be a part of the relationship. You just did not want to and never tried it with her… but it was asked by her over & over again… and it was made known that this was one of the things she would get a kick out of in the bedroom.

Then you should not have closed your eyes to who she was and addressed it a while ago… I’m thinking sometime before marrying her…. Dahhh

Marrying people will not change certain things about them, so we can either address them before the marriage or while in the marriage. I say that addressing important issues and differences before getting married is best. It will save on possible unhappiness as well as… all that could have been resolved earlier drama.

Which part of her letting you know that this was evidently a big part of her sexual kick did you not understand? You certainly could not have thought by saying “no” to a question asked over & over again to what she likes would make it go away. We all have difference freaky kicks in the sack… some have more extreme kicks than others… but if it’s what turns a person on and it’s what does it for them, one must accept whether or not it can be a part of their kick and hopefully also get some level of enjoyment out of it… or it gonna be an issue down the line… as we now see with you.

So let’s say that she never mentioned it and, after getting married, outta the blue hit you with the bright idea that what she’d like to do in bed is have company… and now it’s becoming a problem. All of a sudden she’s asking you so frequently, like you said in your question, that it makes you feel guilty for not trying.

I would have to say that I think that she has not been completely honest with you and she should have been. Obviously this is something she is accustomed to or wants to have in her relationship….. Either way she definitely should have expressed wanting it to being a part of the sex life in her marriage with you… By not letting you know this about her and making you feel guilty because you are not interested is not fair at all. In fact, it’s a sad attempt at manipulating you into something that she should have cleared up earlier.

Unfortunately what a hottt mess this seems to be for you & your marriage…. I mean this could turn into a big bowl of s#!t. There could be cheating or just a sense of not being able to satisfy your wife in bed and all that drama… .

I’m not sure which way this actually went… but either way it seems to be a problem if you’re writing me about it. This is a question that you should have submitted, if possible, before getting married…. and my advice would have been as follows: Pay attention early on… so you don’t have to pay later on. More often than not ,people show us and tell us who they are, and we ignore all the signs because we are afraid of losing them, being alone and so forth… when at the end of the day it is what it is. They are who they are… and practicing acceptance is the best thing to do. It’s not a thing of right or wrong when we are different; it’s just what one happens to like. There are many people who are quite okay with sharing their husbands and wives in bed with others…. If you’re not one of them, you should probably let her know and make the necessary arrangements to find someone who is right for you…. Can you say annulment?!

Tags: Marva


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